one year of delusion & chaos

What Ever Happened? - the Strokes

"I want to be forgotten,
and I don't want to be reminded.
You say "please don't make this harder."
No, I won't yet.

I wanna be beside her.
She wanna be admired.
You say "please don't make this harder."
No, I won't yet.

Oh dear, is it really all true?
Did they offend us and they want it to sound new?
Top ten ideas for countdown shows...
Whose culture is this and does anybody know?
I wait and tell myself "life ain't chess,"
But no one comes in and yes, you're alone...

You don't miss me, I know.

Oh Tennessee, what did you write?
I come together in the middle of the night.
Oh that's an ending that I can't write, 'cause
I've got you to let me down.

I want to be forgotten,
and I don't want to be reminded.
You say "please don't make this harder."
No, I won't yet.

I want to be beside her.
She wanna be admired.
You say "please don't make this harder."
No, I won't yet..."

end of the day

finished watching 24, first season today.
was good fun but the ending was bit... okay i guess.
first half was brilliant anyway.

so tired (of being idle, watching tv)

noon now in 24hours

yay! got i tunes music store card from amazon today!
2500 yen prepaid card.

one song costs around 150 yen, damn, pretty expensive.

songs i have bought so far;
?????? by Ian Brown (cool song, forgot the title, will update tomorrow)
he got game by Public Enemy
lose yourself by Eminem
feel good inc by gorillaz

hey, new song by franz ferdinand is awesome by the way.

The Importance Of Being Idle

well, okay, yea, didn't make the promise.

just watching dvds, sleeping and eating.

summer vacation!

jush chillin'

yesterday around 5, finally got rid of application stuff.

since then, i've been kind of chillin'.

bah, i don't like that "chillin" word much,
but thats what im doing i suppose.

anyway still feel bit dull, so will write more tommorow morning.

listening to the bends by radiohead...

so, a post before the day changes, after a long time.

bit tired, bit frustrated.

got to fill up all the forms tomorrow.

let's hope I can submit the thing in a day or two.

don't my posts kind of "look" too long these days?

oh dear
the morning wasn't great.
I was feeling pretty much tired, physically dull, and also
had upset stomach.
cudn't really have lunch (took more than 5 minutes to eat one rice ball!)
and had to go for the job.
but i think i worked well.
I was a bit worried if i made some mistake doing a cashier
cos my mind wasn't much focused
however not a yen.
and luckily usually-in-some-bad-mood leader seemed cheerfully today.
that makes a lot of difference, you know.
Thank god.

so my dad's back.
but he's hell exhausted.
As I was bit worrying, he was busy all the time out there, I believe only free time he could have was about 15 minutes.
poor him.
But the event was successful he told me, and he's happy about it.

well not as much, but I feel tired as well,
so let me go sleep now.
thought I'd write about the good prospect i have for the rest of the year,
but I guess I can do that after submitting the application and stuff.

Good night to some, have a nice day to others.

few more days (really can't think of any good title...)

well finally some progress today!
but i guess i don't really have much time to get happy and jump around.

so guys, it was a fast week for me.
feel like writing about my dad going to Bali was just yesterday!
and he's coming back tomorrow, and probably gonna kick my ass when he sees how less job i have done. nah, he's a pacifist, you know.

so i know its kinda late to explain, but he was there for kids guernica exhibition.
visit offcial website here
and info about the exhibition here
he must had a great fun over there!
(I really hope he did, but bit worried if he was busy all the time)

and today, my mom's friend and her daughters visited us.
well actually they are kind of like a family friend you know,
but they hadn't met for a year or more for some reason.

anyway, I couldn't chat with them much, cos I had a lot of work to do,
so just sat with them while lunch time.
and they were so surprised i've become thin.
they hadn't seen me for almost three years, probably, and that was why I suppose.

yeah... i was kind of a bit fat kid before...
however lost a lot of weight while i was in India.

seeing them was nice anyway.

and yes!
I didn't go online today!
I mean I did, but didn't chat with anybody!

it was okay cause we had guests today,
but it reminded me of my dear hard times.

no emails no chat no freinds no myself nothing.

I don't think I can do without it for long.
well once I did, and now know it's not so great.

well but I'm having a good feeling for the rest of this year you know...
I'll continue tomorrow!



I have to go for my goddamn part time job tomorrow.
wish my good luck.




PS by the way you know what!?
I had more access to the blog than usual today (yesterday)
and seems like it was because
name "jude law" was in the last post...!

notice:

well not much progress in my work..
dad's coming back day after tomorrow and hed kill me if he sees how less I did this week.
(since I don't have teachers, he's my supervisor!)
so, guys, won't be online for a while! (even if i do, better ignore me, friends!)
otherwise I'll never be able to finish what i have to do!
so if u wanna contact me, email me...
and yea I'll keep writiting the blog anyway!

SEXY 05! Actress who wets screens

One good news (for me). I chatted with my old freind today. Well, he is a Japanese, and studied in a university which is in Bangalore, India, so that's where I met him, yea. Now he's in Japan, working on job hunting! So nice to get to talk to him after a long time (well it was my fault, i fogot to reply to his email some time back), you know. Check out his blog here!

So, today's topic.

Beauty, yes beauty.

And celebs, yes celebrity.

I know, everytime I start talking (writng) like this, I muff up making it interesting.
Let me try anyway, sexy topic it is supposed to be.

Well first I must confess, I have a weakness for beautiful people.
Of course, especially girls, women, females you know what I mean.
But I guess you already know that I'm not a too cool kind of person who can have many girl friends at once. Ah yea, not even one, I admit.

Anyway I can't explain this,
but there's something special about beauty...
(people's looking Im talking about)
people say looks don't matter
and of course I don't (try not to) judge people by their looking
but no matter how fucked up the person is,
beauty is magical, intoxicating.

weird thing.
It's just a combination of shapes.
(I'm taking about features, I don' much care about body)
But what makes people think "man, she is a beauty?" sort of thing.

Cover of the magazine I bought today here.












Nicole kidman.
Oh dear... beyond words...

It was on todays sexy actresses, not just focused on their looking,
but their works too (of course).

Other featured actresses are
Angelina Jolie
Scarlett Johansson
Uma Thurman
Keira Knightley
Jessica Alba


and yea, so there are something about celebreties as well.
I know they are phoney, arrogant, etc, thats what people say,
but I still kind of admire them.
Not that I want to be so famous but I don't know,
the world of celebrity seems interesting (well maybe not the right word).
Maybe I just need a celebrity friend...

But yea, I don't really like Paris Hilton breed...

and here, two wbsites...
kind of hilarious...
http://essay.beautiful-breakdown.org/ (sorry emma, but this website is funny...?)
http://www.tomcruiseisnuts.com/ (this one is pretty harsh, maybe?)


See this pic,
Natalie Portman!
Man, Jude law is even more sexier!













Well today's post was about to get rated,
I was thinking about posting a beautiful picture of two naked Japanese girls
(now, why do you look at me like that)
I found on the net other day,
however I thought, for my reputation probably better leave the blog PG-13.

alrite, dumb post it was, huh!?
maybe I'll write on sexy men next time...

I can see a beautiful moon from where I'm sitting right now... sigh

the end is the new beginning

a news flash : Ragnarok is leaving the blog.



Oh well, web server (i suppose) has been fucking with me, I finally gave up uploading the new stuff on ViasporA website.
Agh, not much progress again.

Anyway I had a good chat with Shannon today.
She's "really" coming to Japan, on September 6th, for ten months stay.
And I've been thinking, it's pretty fucking great.

But well, now I'm gonna see her for real, some time soon, and that is pretty weird.
Of course I'm exicted, however, hoping shes not expecting me as a damn cool model looking, handsome, very smart guy.
Ah, probably not, right Shannon?

Well actually I'm an evil man.. (you already thought so?)

Agh, I need to lose some weight before I see a girl!
I've been getting some weight these days cos I do no exercise!



And I just discovered an hour ago, that Ragnarok is leaving a blog.

Oh dear, that means I'm losing a reader.
I don't think Shannon will be having enough time to read my blog here
so oh no, no more readers I'm gonna have!

Agh no, just kidding.
But Ragnarok and Shannon (yes you two) were the only two who always read my blog (or at least checked if I'm alive) and left comments.
And I'm really thankful about it.

Especially, Shannon, you helped me so much by chatting while my hard times.
I'm gonna buy you a pepsi here for that.
What? Don't wanna drink such american stuff in Japan?

So here's her "Shan Chan Goes to Japan Blog".

And Ragnarok, if you're really leaving,
take care, and best of luck with everything you do!
And come back someday!



Few months after coming back from India last year, I started blogging.
And end of this month, 31th, will be the one year anniversary.

Maybe one phase is getting over...

you know, I have this really awesome idea...

Well I finally had some good chat with Madz, a girl who emailed me through Hi5.
I probably have bugged her too much, but I get pretty much skeptical when I meet a stranger online. Or maybe it's just a bad habit of mine.

Anyway so today.
I took shower after 3 days (well maybe more, I don't remember).
I think (I don't remember this either) I was in the same outfit for whole 3 days.
Oh no.
Well, this is what happens when you don't see anybody.
Or is it just bad habit of mine?
And yeah I went for a walk too.

Other than that, I wasted so much time again!
Was trying to work on ViasporA website, however ended up just putting old html files and all in order. Horrible. Three more days till Sunday. On Sunday my dad will be back plus I have the goddamn part time job. I got to work a lot harder from tomorrow...

So hey there!
You guys got to help me!
Give me any ideas for the website!

not expecting much though...



memo : ideas for the posts
1. reason why my dads in Bali now
2. about admission of SFC
3. about shannon coming to Japan
4. about earthquake
5. on beauty and celebs

well never expect much...

The day I decided to be a rapper (hey dont look at me like that)

Oh boy, wasting so much time!
For two days!
(don't ask me why there was no post yesterday, i got only dull excuses)
I can't believe myself.
Chatting, net surfing, recording a new song...

finally, last two hours I worked with some concentration.

anyway this weird track i was working on today...
lyrics here

no title yet!


"You’re standing alone,
In a garbage yard
Looking for something
That’s out of the sight

There you begin,
And find your way
To the party
You are out of place

Smell of grass
Dancing girls
Intoxicates
Your sense and fear

Everybody is a fake
Everybody is awake
Everybody is for sake
Everyone is aware

Dirty men, topless females
Having fun
Kissing bums

Stepping outside of the room
Now you know what you’re going through
All your friends are snaring at you
people just like saying boo

You walk the streets
Swallow fresh air
Sharpen your tense
Now you’re on your own

Everybody is a fake
Everybody is awake
Everybody is for sake
Everyone is aware

You ponder a while, bellyaches
Don’t remember where you were last night
Is it a dream or is it real
Maybe I just don’t exist

All the thoughts buzzing around, in your head,
Phony girls, Horny boys
Figuring out, what they want

You see yourself in a mirror and sigh
Nothing is wrong, you don’t want to know
Telephone rings, time to go
This is this
modern life

Everybody is a fake
Everybody is awake
Everybody is for sake
Everyone is aware

There you are
On the same line
Finding yourself
Totally lost"

I want to hear what you have got to say

Sunday night, I have a bottle of pepsi by my left hand, a mouse by my right hand.
No, actually its a laptop, so no mouse.
I mean laptop mouse I'm using (what do you call it?).
Playing "I want to hear what you have got to say" by the Subways.

My dad has left a while back, he is staying near Narita airport tonight.
He will be going to Bali for a week.

only two people in the house now.

Deadline of the univ admission application is 25th, this month.
10 more days of hard working.
Wishing I just do not get lazy.

Seems like its gonna be a lonely week.



"my mind is all made up I'm doing all I can
I'm trying hard to think but I can't understand
why everytime I see you, you just walk away
Still the world is turning, but I will not complain"

Hey I'm used to loneliness.


please leave some comments if you're there








thats what i wrote first, and I just thought maybe i should rewrite it
cos it might give a wrong impression that Im feeling sad and all
but I also think i shouldn't delete it,
so i'll just add few more lines.
Music is over, and now chatting a bit with shannon.

Just remembered there was a good thing today, it was sunday, so i got 5 emails from my rv friends. one of them was my sis's actually.
Anyway u know, im not depressed and all that tonight, just thinking that...
i don't know.
It's just gonna be another lonely week, thats all.

I still don't smoke

In the dream I saw just before I got up this morning,
I was a super hero.
I mean like a neo, you know.
Could fly and jump high and all.
And was supposed to be invincible, however lost faith in own power.
And was fighting with, I don't know, someone, in the garden of my house.
In the ending I was like, well, I got to finish the first problem before I wonder if I'm invincible, and well, somehow escaped.

Agh whatever.

Today was obon.
Japanese tradition.
And if you have been reading my blog for almost a year,
maybe you remember that our family have this little werid ritual.
We pass around a cigaratte and smoke.
Still don't know where it came from.
picture at the link was taken on same day almost same time last year.
My sister, who is not here at the time, took it.

Fancy Dream, Mucky days

okay, so no good post for today, again.
But I could take some rest this afternoon.
I got my essay/report "in the philosopher's valley", "searching for America" and "intervew project (immigrants in America)" binded.
Nice.
University Admission is a real big deal in this country.
Hell, I'm still lazy.

Note
1) "I heart Huckabees" seems like a damn cool film
2) I had a dream, that I had a pretty, very caring girlfriend.
hopeing I see her again tonight...
oh probably not.

ouch, bodyache...

tired.
Let me sleep.
Probably will be able to write something better tomorrow.
hope you all're having good time.

Fucking Revelation

Just the same as last nite.
Fukced up, and confused.
Guess I'm waiting for a revelation from God.

SFC

Oh I feel so fuck.
I'm lost in the reason why I want to study in SFC.

L' HOMME DU TRAIN

just finished watching the film "the man on the train".
I need to have some fun beside working hard you know.

Well, it wasn't much of a "fun" movie anyway
however I liked it.
Nice film, but probably for elderly people.

Time to sleep.

so, this is supposed to be.. oh its monday already

i tunes music store has finally opend in Japan (4th this month).
wondering if I should try buying some...
but i like the cd formart pretty much as well so I don't know.
interesting how music indusrty has been changing.

anyway today wasn't a bad day
work didn't suck like last time
I mean it wasn't great, but at least it wasn't THAT bad.
I learned I should never expect much out there, u know.

one good news, for me.
Professor Nishihira will be writing my evaluation letter for the university admission application.
I called him this morning, wasn't expecting much, because I thought he's a very prudent person so I was not sure if he'll say yes.
Well anyway his answer was, "I'll be glad to write your evaluation letter".
He made my day.

despair next two festival

I'm pretty upset with microsoft. You know why?
I always dreamed I'm gonna have a band called the vesta someday
(i wouldn't care if no one comes with me I'll do solo project called the vesta maybe).
But anyway now their new product is named "windows vista"
which totally sounds like the vesta.
oh dear.
what am I supposed to do?
I hope not people think the band is an ad thing for the company.
Well, yea, I'm a windows user but...

So, today was a party day.
Every year, around first week of August, we have firework festival in our city.
However, there was no party for me.
I didn't go.
The place is pretty close from my place, just 5 minutes walk, so i cud see it from my house too
if i wanted to but I wasn't bothered much.
Well that's a lie, the sound was pretty disturbing.
And yeah I took video for 2 minutes.
Anyway why I didn't feel like partying.
Reason 1. I had to do a lot of stuff.
Reason 2. whats the point of going there if I probably not gonna see anyone I like out there
my friend wanted me to go with him,
But I just told him no.
He must had been disappointed but I could' help it.
Maybe next year, with a girl maybe, yeah that would be cool.
yea...

I was chatting with one of my friend this afternoon.
I dont have messnger in this computer but I remembered that there is a way to chat on the web
(i got an idea from you, shannon)
so it was cool.

Anyway my friend was in terrible situation,
I'm not gonna write any details, but
he was saying he's been suicidical,
and he feels like dying.
I tried to cheer him up in a cool way
but one thought got stuck in my mind.

I myself was not very sure if theres something worth living for in life.
Still searching.

the fucking job

We got LAN system in my house today.
Now I got internet connection in my room, which is really cool!
So probably gonna be a lot easier for me to post stuff, don't have to wait for my dad to finish his business all night!

And you know, dining room, where the only internet connected computer was, was not a too good place to concentarte on writing.

Agh, maybe not gonna make any big deal.
I don't know.

Anyway well I've been a busy and lazy man as always,
but sadly being more of a busy man these days.
Too much stuff to do for preparation of university admission examinations.

And that's fine, okay I gotta do what I gotta do, but oh boy
the part time job totally sucks.

I've been working only twice a week these days,
but man, last sunday totally sucked.
There is kind of chief, a female, who seems upset all the time, and that's the biggest tention for me in my part time job. She is so rough to co workers.
I mean she is a nice waitress, but bad chief I suppose.
She think all waiters and waitress should devote themselves to customers.
especially last time she was pretty nasty,
she was like
"what the hell do you think you're doing? You lack in emotion (passion? whatever!)"
"do you really care about customers? I do. I remember all of them"
"oh god. you stand there. don't touch anything. I'll handle all. you just stand there and do nothing"

At the same time, they don't let me quit, cos they don't have enough workers.
You call me for a job on goddamn sunday and tell me to stand infront of cutomers like a fool?
What a fuck?
I got a lot more important stuff to do!

well i don't know if you knew, but I hardly, almost never, use the word "bitch".
I find the word too desrespectful to women.
But I'm begining to feel that might be the appropriate word for her.
bitch

nah, I know, it is her full time job, the job is her proud, passion of life and all that.
So I just be quiet and say
"agh okay... yea, you're right"

i think im too nice to blame people.
Sereously u know, im not too good at blaming people
maybe better if i could say
"I'm gonna kill that mutherfuckin bitch"
or something like that.
but i cant.

But man last week sucked
I thought I would shout out
aggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
in front of all customers...

one day left for day after tomorrow.

yesterday totally sucked