Where the path leads, kid

4.
Number of the post I didn't write since 7th.
Well, you know, I decided to write one post a day since the day my sister left Japan,
but after you all know I get lazy.
I didn't write on 11th, 24th, 25th, 26th.

17 plus 1.
That's how old I am now.
Yes it's my birthday today.

There was nothing special like party and stuff,
but it has been a nice day, in many ways.
But oh well, I'll write about that later.

Now I'm gonna write a breif story of my 17th year.
Probably it's going to be too long, and too personal, I might would write some stuff I ususally don't, so unlesss you're too bored, or too interested in me, please just skip those posts.
Anyway I'll write more on this post later.
Let me begin my story.

Post 3 : Falling

2005, from January to March
So right after I came back home from the United States I took TOEFL again and got pretty good result. Never knew my English was showing some improvement

Oh from here,
I don’t feel like writing.

I lost myself.
Because I thought too much.
Sounds stupid, but I’m serious.

It was something like the situation in a film called π.
In the film, this young mathematician tries to find a mathematical idea which is supposed to be the most essential element of the world, or something like that.
And his teacher warns him, “don’t get into that too much, otherwise you’ll go insane, take a shower and have some rest” (well this is not the real dialogue, just what I remember). But the guy refuses, says that he will never give up like his teacher did.
And he ends up getting insane.
The feeling was something beyond loneliness and all that.
I didn’t know if what I see, what I hear, what I feel was for real.
Totally aimless, even worse than that, I lost the motivation for living.
I didn’t mind disappearing suddenly from the world.
I didn’t care, cos I thought the world probably doesn’t exist and its meaningless.
You know seriously, even if some guy comes to me and says, “I’m gonna make you super rich, and make you marry with the most beautiful woman of the world” or something like that I don’t think I gave a damn (now I would think about that a bit though).

Anyway anyway so basically I hardly remember what I was doing.
Nothing much at all, I guess.
Just suffering.
Anyway I think its amazing that at least somewhere in my mind I always thought “what the hell is going with me? It’s not the way I should be” sort of thing.

So what I did;
Wrote one long essay for applying to a university
Watched a lot of films
Tried to go for a walk everyday

That’s all I guess.
I don’t know, don’t remember, it was just terrible.

That’s why I really hate when people sometimes misunderstand me for some reason and think that I am just a happy lucky guy. It wasn’t a physical pain sort, but hard anyway. It begun with loneliness, losing identity, having no friends, and went into such phase.
One way in, no way out. I’d thought its probably impossible to find the answer I was looking for.
There was a way to be free.
“getting busy”

Post 2 : Wanderlust in America

2004, from October to December

From middle of September to middle of October, I went for TOEFL coaching school in Tokyo, twice a week.
And yes then maybe you know, journey to the United States.
I stayed at my uncle’s place in Falls Church for about a month, and my dads friend’s place in Boone for one and half month, and a week in near San Francisco, another uncle’s place.
While I was in Falls Church I used to study English by myself and also was doing this project to interview young immigrants in the United States. I took 9 interviews, I think.
And at Janet’s, my dad’s friend, well I tried to investigate American culture, and audited some classes in university and all. Dan and Janet were really nice to me, and they live in a real beautiful place, but must confess, by the end of the stay there I got so frustrated, I thought I was going crazy. You know, I think I’m pretty much good at adjusting to new place sort of thing (not in a sense of making friends and all though) but, oh boy, the place was isolated from town, and everyone’s were total American, and Dan and Janet are not that young as matter of fact, so where was I suppose to get my frustration out. In Rishi Valley, even in the hardest time I had friends to talk to. But there, I didn’t have anyone I can talk frankly. I was feeling lonelier and lonelier. I didn’t know what to do. And that’s probably why my blog was getting so good. That was where I could get out my frustration and say what I want. And I met a good friend online, Shannon (ironical in a sense that she’s American). I used to bug her every night, but she never really ignored me, and that’s what I thought amazing. And yea, creativity suddenly stopped. I don’t know why. I just couldn’t write anything good so I stopped playing guitar (I can’t really copy anything, or “play” I can only “create” u know).
And oh yeah you don’t know how much I felt relieved when I reached San Fransisco, my dad’s uncle’s place. Didn’t really do much thing there, but I felt so comfortable.

Post 1 : Well I was just 17, you know what I mean

2004, from end of June(birthday) to September

Of course, I should start this post from what my 17th birthday was like.
Well, I must confess, I don't really remember.
I think family celebrated me at home, we had nice dinner and stuff.
but that's not that important.
One thing I really remember about that day, I wrote an email to a girl.
A girl I'd fallen in love in Rishi Valley.
You know, to tell the truth, I've never really talked to her, I've only seen her, and she was I think 3 years younger than me and all that, but for some reason, I can't explain, I'd fallen in love. She was so beautiful (none of my friends agreed with me) that you know I was whoa, like a fool. But anyway while I was in school, she didn't give a damn about me, you know.
Well so there is a long long story which was a total stupidty, worse than typical cheap hindi film drama.
Three months after I left India, on my birthday, I just I thought I would write her. You know, I still couldn't forget her, and I just thought you know, oh cmon its birthday I would like to do what I would like to do sort of stupid thing.
So I wrote to her.
You know I just had to do that.
I wasn’t even expecting for a reply if you want to know the truth.
But you know I still can’t forget this.
On July 2nd, morning around 10 or 11, I was sitting in front of the computer, and got a mail from one of my best friend Bakshi emailed me, he wished me happy birthday and he wrote that the girl I liked was in the computer room, too. Then I knew that she’d probably be reading it, I was wondering what she’d think… Then oh boy, after about 5 minutes I received an email from her. Well it was nothing special, she just wished me happy birthday and wrote few lines but oh boy you can’t imagine how much that email made me happy. Well I wrote her back but never got the reply then. But that one email was enough for me.
Yeah that’s one foolish melodrama. Then July was, what I remember is that my dad’s friend who teaches in Tokyo University had been allowing me to attend his class once a week for a term. So every Monday I used to go to Tokyo. And also, in July I was studying pretty hard, for “university entrance certificate examination” which basically gives drops outs the right to apply for university entrance. And in August I had this examination and passed it.
Yeah, also, for my birthday, I got myself a MTR, multi track recorder, to record some of my songs. I wrote few good songs those days I remember, especially the song called “runaway” (it was only a working title though) was one of the best I’ve ever wrote I thought. Yeah and after the examination my friends use to come home pretty often to play the guitars and stuff.
And yes, from the end of August, I started writing blog, you know. Oooh it was so exciting for me (it still is but not much as before anymore). I thought its totally amazing when someone I will never really know leaves a comment on my blog and all.
September, was, I slowly came to realize I was losing my aim. My aim was aimless aim I suppose; I almost thought I’m something like Neo (in the end of Matrix) or Luke Skywalker (in the return of Jedi) when I came back from India. Don’t get me wrong, I never thought I’m going to save the world from AI or use the right side of the force to destroy sith or anything like that. I just simply believed I’m “getting enlightened”. However, after knowing the result of the examination (I passed), I was like what shall I do? I begun to feel something is wrong, but couldn’t figure out why or what it was. I just thought maybe I need some aim to achieve or something. And also, this time, I had this strange feeling about rishi valley. I mean RV was a very special place for me, gave me a lot of inspiration and all, but I always think being nostalgic is the worst thing (even though I actually get so pretty often), and I was beginning to refuse thinking about RV too much. I thought I need to leave the past, RV, behind. Rishi Valley was one of the most important elements of my identity. My friends were there, a girl I liked was there, I learnt a lot from there and everything. But when I refused to get nostalgic and still follow the pathless path way I completely lost the guiding light. I somehow didn’t know where my thoughts were leading me. Basically I was like Neo without Trinity, or Luke without force. From there, my life slowly started getting screwed.

I am still seventeen

Oh no
only about an hour is left...

tarnish city

ooh yea here you go, original picture of yesterday's!

sorry too tired to write about yesterday again
maybe I'll write it in the morning, tomorrow
(maybe never?)

and today, I just realized that maybe I forgot to post the link of this "exclusive" film trailer
http://www.viaspora.com/missionviasporapage.html
check it out
episode I to be online soon

harsh city

took a lot of pics in tokyo today...

"harder they come"

Was watching a little of it...
seemed like a cool one but I need to sleep now.

I'm going to Tokyo tomorrow to promote viaspora...
oh yea...
detail tomorrow

good night

ViasporA promotion video (ver.1)

You got to watch this.
From this video, you probably can figure out what viaspora is, at least a bit I hope.
The computer kept getting freezed with the movie maker software and it pretty much pissed me off but I think it came out fairly well. Anyway well, actually it's still on its process of making because as you can watch, there's no image of places and people of the west. That's because I had to make it with the images I had, and I didn't really have good ones of those. I only uploaded the video to get more images...
Anyway doesn't matter where it is the west or the east, please send me some images of places and people if you can, I want it to be more... viaspora, u know.

Let me leave the computer now...

This post doesn't worth a title

Well well, well, well well.
zzz...

Today sucked.
God damn part time job and my mom's shitty lecture.
Enough to make me feel worse.

Thanks for the comments
Ragnarok, that post secret blog is awesome!
and Shannon, looking forward to seeing your videos tomorrow (and ah, the picture of course)

I'm in pretty much of a frustrated mood right now, if you want to know the truth

God damn it.
I don't know why.
I'm tired.
And I have this fucking part time job tomorrow.
I feel like shit...

Anyway I'm not in I-hate-myself sort of mood you know,
just tired and just frustrated.
It happens.

By the way by the way.
It has been long since I stopped leaving comments on others' blogs.
There are basically 2 reasons why I've stopped. (if you include abt my laziness there'll be 3)
One, I feel like leaving comments on others blogs is kind of you know, advertising own website/blog, no matter if you're doing it on purpode or not. And the fact that leaving comments on others' blogs will be a way of promoting own blog makes me feel uneasy. In fact once or twice I've tried it but I didn't like the feeling very much (plus my intention didn't really work actually).
Second, when I read someone's blog, unless its a new blog or something, I feel uneasy to leave a comment because I'm afraid that I might fuck up whole context of his/her blog. Since my English is not too great when I don't concentrate (it's still not too great when I concentrate actually), I might misunderstand what the post is actually about or I might write something I don't really mean.

You know, when I leave a comment, even on my blog, I think for abt 5 minutes before I click on publish thing.

Anyway thanks to Ragnarok and Shannon who have been leaving comments on my blog sometimes even though I hardly (almost never must I admit) leave comments on their blogs. I'm reading though!

Anyway the rason why I wrote a post on such a boring topic... I'm thinking that maybe I should start leaving comments on others blogs to promote my blog, and website, oooh what a nasty thought... I don't think I will, even if I do, please read this post and forgive me... anyway i will never leave comments on blogs which I don't think are interesting so...

oh fuck it.
I'm so frustrated.

Main Hoo Na!

Was watching one of the films that my mom brought from India, with my uncle and her.
Not great, but fun.
And Suniel Shetty rulz (oh yeah, :))

I'm in a good mood, if you want to know the truth

Oh boy.
As Ragnarok said in a comment that he gave me few days back, my mom's already back home. The time has passed so fast since my sis and mom left home last week, and it has been pretty much of an intesive, busy time for me.

As you know I've been working hard on this website called ViasporA. And I've been spending most of my time for this for these few days. My uncle, who works as an art director of films, has been at home now and he's giving me some suggestions and all too. And the best thing was, my mom wasn't at home, so I could sit in front of the computer and work on it for all day long. Anyway that's over now (of course good to have her back home though!)
Please don't ask me what actually it is all about, cos I myself is not very sure. This is really hard to explain, but I hope sometimes you visit the website and enjoy some of the contents. Feedbacks, contribution will be welcomed, too.

My mom brought me a CD-R, which is from one of my friends in Rishi Valley. There were a lot of cool pics of them (and the t shirt), and it made me happy so much. It's great to know that they still think of me as a good friend!

And mm... I want to write something intersting here now since I haven't posted anything to read for 4, 5days (well still, I'm trying to post something everyday at least..) but now I'm tired of sitting in front of the computer so let me go to my room and sleep...

Have a nice day/night people!

ViasporA T shirt

I'm going to distribute 10 ViasporA T shirts for free.
One request is that you have to send a picture of you wearing it.
Please write your postal address plus what size, color you want and send it to viaspora@gmail.com

there are;
white M, L
Gray M, L
Black M, XL
Red M
Orange L
Dark Green L
Light Green M

Feel free, it's free!
(note : only one per a person)

Here are some picture arrived today from India.
Check them out!


Paisol, from Thai


Tanay, from Vijaywada


Rishabh, from Bombay

introduction to viaspora

Viasporadio Playlist Ver.2

Selected by Katsumi
(phew, finally updated!)

Mission ViasporA II

Check it out!

Trial Page

Can you see the video?

Please Vote

Real image of Japan?
Kill Bill Vol.1, Last Samurai, Lost in Translation

Today's quote

ViasporA is something like a taste of mashed up cornflakes and tofu. - founder of ViasporA (me)

Please send me pictures of your town, or places you've been, or love.
http://viasporapics.blogspot.com/

ViasporA

Please visit my new website.
I built it about a month ago but had been too busy to update and introduce.

Detail tomorrow.


New picture of myself

PS My sis and mom have left home early this morning. I guess they're at Bombay by now...

2 years have passed

2 years have passed since the time I left Japan for Rishi Valley, India.

There’s something making me really sentimental after a long time. My sister is leaving for Rishi Valley tomorrow. Yea, the term begins around middle of June there.

There are two reasons why I’m feeling this way.

One. I will miss my sister. I never thought I really would miss her, but I definitely will. That’s what I became sure of, today. The thing is, I stay at home most of the time right now, and don’t meet many people, even though we don’t get along that well, we are like friends. She’s a year younger than me. Like if you have school or job, that will be main part of your life, but in my case right now, home and family is (the only) my place.

Two. I again happened to think of RV as something very much related to me. I mean, Rishi Valley gave me a big influence on me, I learnt a lot from there. I thought that was kind of important element of my identity when I came back to Japan a year ago. But then after a while I thought being kind of nostalgic like that is stupid. Since then I stopped thinking of RV much. I missed the place, but was telling myself “the place is nothing to do with me anymore”. But my sis’s going tomorrow and that reminds me of many things. Things I’ve seen, said, heard, felt and all out there. I feel like a part of me is going back to RV with my sister. I don’t know.

I don’t know. Nostalgia always has good feelings, but I often think that living looking backward has no meaning.

I lost myself. Completely you know. I was great in the beginning, when I came back to Japan from India. But slowly, from around September last year, I started to feel everything so strange. And it really got worse after I came back from US, January this year. I kept questioning why things exist, why I exist, live and everything. It’s so fucking horrible you know. You can like sometimes ponder on stuff and think like some philosophers, but most of the people got their stuff to do, some stuff to do. Studying, earning money, working on relationships, crating something and all that. It becomes nightmare when you got nothing to do and stuck with “the question”. You will never find a “right” answer. At least I haven’t yet.

That’s why I started a part time job. To stop getting so insane. I knew I was going insane. I couldn’t believe anything I see, hear, say feel and all. I couldn’t believe myself. Part time job worked. I got both mentally and physically too tired to think about those stuff.

It wasn’t like I was insane all the time. Sometimes sane sometimes insane. And it’s not like I’m fine now either. I still wonder, stop and ponder. I wanted to be sure of something.

And tonight, I’m very sure of my sentimental feeling.

Weird post as usual.