2 years have passed

2 years have passed since the time I left Japan for Rishi Valley, India.

There’s something making me really sentimental after a long time. My sister is leaving for Rishi Valley tomorrow. Yea, the term begins around middle of June there.

There are two reasons why I’m feeling this way.

One. I will miss my sister. I never thought I really would miss her, but I definitely will. That’s what I became sure of, today. The thing is, I stay at home most of the time right now, and don’t meet many people, even though we don’t get along that well, we are like friends. She’s a year younger than me. Like if you have school or job, that will be main part of your life, but in my case right now, home and family is (the only) my place.

Two. I again happened to think of RV as something very much related to me. I mean, Rishi Valley gave me a big influence on me, I learnt a lot from there. I thought that was kind of important element of my identity when I came back to Japan a year ago. But then after a while I thought being kind of nostalgic like that is stupid. Since then I stopped thinking of RV much. I missed the place, but was telling myself “the place is nothing to do with me anymore”. But my sis’s going tomorrow and that reminds me of many things. Things I’ve seen, said, heard, felt and all out there. I feel like a part of me is going back to RV with my sister. I don’t know.

I don’t know. Nostalgia always has good feelings, but I often think that living looking backward has no meaning.

I lost myself. Completely you know. I was great in the beginning, when I came back to Japan from India. But slowly, from around September last year, I started to feel everything so strange. And it really got worse after I came back from US, January this year. I kept questioning why things exist, why I exist, live and everything. It’s so fucking horrible you know. You can like sometimes ponder on stuff and think like some philosophers, but most of the people got their stuff to do, some stuff to do. Studying, earning money, working on relationships, crating something and all that. It becomes nightmare when you got nothing to do and stuck with “the question”. You will never find a “right” answer. At least I haven’t yet.

That’s why I started a part time job. To stop getting so insane. I knew I was going insane. I couldn’t believe anything I see, hear, say feel and all. I couldn’t believe myself. Part time job worked. I got both mentally and physically too tired to think about those stuff.

It wasn’t like I was insane all the time. Sometimes sane sometimes insane. And it’s not like I’m fine now either. I still wonder, stop and ponder. I wanted to be sure of something.

And tonight, I’m very sure of my sentimental feeling.

Weird post as usual.