Post 3 : Falling
2005, from January to March
So right after I came back home from the United States I took TOEFL again and got pretty good result. Never knew my English was showing some improvement
Oh from here,
I don’t feel like writing.
I lost myself.
Because I thought too much.
Sounds stupid, but I’m serious.
It was something like the situation in a film called π.
In the film, this young mathematician tries to find a mathematical idea which is supposed to be the most essential element of the world, or something like that.
And his teacher warns him, “don’t get into that too much, otherwise you’ll go insane, take a shower and have some rest” (well this is not the real dialogue, just what I remember). But the guy refuses, says that he will never give up like his teacher did.
And he ends up getting insane.
The feeling was something beyond loneliness and all that.
I didn’t know if what I see, what I hear, what I feel was for real.
Totally aimless, even worse than that, I lost the motivation for living.
I didn’t mind disappearing suddenly from the world.
I didn’t care, cos I thought the world probably doesn’t exist and its meaningless.
You know seriously, even if some guy comes to me and says, “I’m gonna make you super rich, and make you marry with the most beautiful woman of the world” or something like that I don’t think I gave a damn (now I would think about that a bit though).
Anyway anyway so basically I hardly remember what I was doing.
Nothing much at all, I guess.
Just suffering.
Anyway I think its amazing that at least somewhere in my mind I always thought “what the hell is going with me? It’s not the way I should be” sort of thing.
So what I did;
Wrote one long essay for applying to a university
Watched a lot of films
Tried to go for a walk everyday
That’s all I guess.
I don’t know, don’t remember, it was just terrible.
That’s why I really hate when people sometimes misunderstand me for some reason and think that I am just a happy lucky guy. It wasn’t a physical pain sort, but hard anyway. It begun with loneliness, losing identity, having no friends, and went into such phase.
One way in, no way out. I’d thought its probably impossible to find the answer I was looking for.
There was a way to be free.
“getting busy”
So right after I came back home from the United States I took TOEFL again and got pretty good result. Never knew my English was showing some improvement
Oh from here,
I don’t feel like writing.
I lost myself.
Because I thought too much.
Sounds stupid, but I’m serious.
It was something like the situation in a film called π.
In the film, this young mathematician tries to find a mathematical idea which is supposed to be the most essential element of the world, or something like that.
And his teacher warns him, “don’t get into that too much, otherwise you’ll go insane, take a shower and have some rest” (well this is not the real dialogue, just what I remember). But the guy refuses, says that he will never give up like his teacher did.
And he ends up getting insane.
The feeling was something beyond loneliness and all that.
I didn’t know if what I see, what I hear, what I feel was for real.
Totally aimless, even worse than that, I lost the motivation for living.
I didn’t mind disappearing suddenly from the world.
I didn’t care, cos I thought the world probably doesn’t exist and its meaningless.
You know seriously, even if some guy comes to me and says, “I’m gonna make you super rich, and make you marry with the most beautiful woman of the world” or something like that I don’t think I gave a damn (now I would think about that a bit though).
Anyway anyway so basically I hardly remember what I was doing.
Nothing much at all, I guess.
Just suffering.
Anyway I think its amazing that at least somewhere in my mind I always thought “what the hell is going with me? It’s not the way I should be” sort of thing.
So what I did;
Wrote one long essay for applying to a university
Watched a lot of films
Tried to go for a walk everyday
That’s all I guess.
I don’t know, don’t remember, it was just terrible.
That’s why I really hate when people sometimes misunderstand me for some reason and think that I am just a happy lucky guy. It wasn’t a physical pain sort, but hard anyway. It begun with loneliness, losing identity, having no friends, and went into such phase.
One way in, no way out. I’d thought its probably impossible to find the answer I was looking for.
There was a way to be free.
“getting busy”
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9:53 PM
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