Let it Live
It was supposed to be different.
When I started a blog, I wasn’t expecting my blog to be this way.
I wanted to do something more creative, interesting and maybe little more intelligent, like discs/books/movies review and all. As I have written quite a few times before, I don’t like my-daily-life kind of blogs. Not saying such blogs are wrong, but I wanted to do something more inspiring. But anyway ironically my blog became just as what I never wanted it to be. You know I know that you guys now had enough of my ponderings and are getting bored with it. I'm bored with it, too. But I'm doing it again and not sure why.
My first blog was just a start, so it was kind of tester. Writing in English was a pain in a sense in the beginning (it still is sometimes). Anyway I stopped that one after a month and a bit because I left Japan for the States, and there I started a journal sort of blog. It was okay, but after all it didn’t go like what I wanted it to be, it became just like scattered pieces of frustration. Not a cultural frustration (if so, that could be interesting for the blog), but the frustration of loneliness. And now this blog. I’m not linking this one to the last two because I want it different… which hasn’t come out yet…
Why is all that happening?
You know I’m stuck at home most of the time. Recently I calculated the time I spend outside home. Let’s say I spend around 5 minutes (much less actually) in the garden of my house or to get letters from the letter box everyday. That’s 5 X 7=35. I go for a walk for an hour about two times a week, so that’s two hours. I also go to DVD rentals to get movies once a week and that takes around 30 minutes. So I spend my time outside approximately three hours a week. That is just 2% of a week. Which means I spend 98% of a week at home, inside.
That makes me miss normal life, I guess. So I write ordinary (what’s ordinary, though) stuff in my blog to make some balance. I don't know. Now you can ask me why the hell I’m in such situation. Well, I guess I have tried to explain this one before too. I don’t go to school, and I don’t hang out with people here much. There are three friends I hang out in this town, one is really rarely, other two comes like once or twice a month and spend around 3, 4 hours at my home chatting, which I'm not sure if you call that “hang out”. That’s it. I know it is stupid not hanging out people at all and saying it’s boring and lonely but I never had very good friends here. I mean I don’t really like having “so-called” friends. I have some real good friends in India, and I do email them sometimes, but they are far, far away now. My mom says you can never make friends if you don’t compromise, but well, fuck that.
I was chatting with a guy I became friends with in the States yesterday or something and he was asking me if I have ever been depressed. I guess he thought I’m a cool guy sort of you know, who has nothing to worry and just enjoys life. Well so I gave him a brief introduction of my life and then he stopped talking about it.
One thing I can say is that I have been trying to understand myself harder than most of the people would try to understand themselves. I know it’s pretty stupid thinking only about oneself and depressed, it’s a shame in the world that many people are suffering like hell. I always liked pondering/wondering/thinking whatever you call it since I was small (some friends in Rishi Valley used to call me “philo”), but now in this life with full of that, I realized that it’s just an insanity…
Wanted to ask you this.
Do you live to do what you want to do, or you do what you (want to) do to live?
And why?
Here’s the lyrics of the song which got me into rock music.
It’s by a band called Haven,
Let it Live.
“Can you be part of something
Without thought for self or mind
Still soul searching for the right line
Need no excuse to wander
Cos it’s more than you can take
Stay true
No one’s gonna pull you out
Let it live
Let it live
Let it breathe life today
Can you be part of something
Even though you’re still unsure
Stay true
No one’s gonna pull you out
Let it live
Let it live
Let it breathe life today”
Check the song here.
Check out my website on its way renewal too.
When I started a blog, I wasn’t expecting my blog to be this way.
I wanted to do something more creative, interesting and maybe little more intelligent, like discs/books/movies review and all. As I have written quite a few times before, I don’t like my-daily-life kind of blogs. Not saying such blogs are wrong, but I wanted to do something more inspiring. But anyway ironically my blog became just as what I never wanted it to be. You know I know that you guys now had enough of my ponderings and are getting bored with it. I'm bored with it, too. But I'm doing it again and not sure why.
My first blog was just a start, so it was kind of tester. Writing in English was a pain in a sense in the beginning (it still is sometimes). Anyway I stopped that one after a month and a bit because I left Japan for the States, and there I started a journal sort of blog. It was okay, but after all it didn’t go like what I wanted it to be, it became just like scattered pieces of frustration. Not a cultural frustration (if so, that could be interesting for the blog), but the frustration of loneliness. And now this blog. I’m not linking this one to the last two because I want it different… which hasn’t come out yet…
Why is all that happening?
You know I’m stuck at home most of the time. Recently I calculated the time I spend outside home. Let’s say I spend around 5 minutes (much less actually) in the garden of my house or to get letters from the letter box everyday. That’s 5 X 7=35. I go for a walk for an hour about two times a week, so that’s two hours. I also go to DVD rentals to get movies once a week and that takes around 30 minutes. So I spend my time outside approximately three hours a week. That is just 2% of a week. Which means I spend 98% of a week at home, inside.
That makes me miss normal life, I guess. So I write ordinary (what’s ordinary, though) stuff in my blog to make some balance. I don't know. Now you can ask me why the hell I’m in such situation. Well, I guess I have tried to explain this one before too. I don’t go to school, and I don’t hang out with people here much. There are three friends I hang out in this town, one is really rarely, other two comes like once or twice a month and spend around 3, 4 hours at my home chatting, which I'm not sure if you call that “hang out”. That’s it. I know it is stupid not hanging out people at all and saying it’s boring and lonely but I never had very good friends here. I mean I don’t really like having “so-called” friends. I have some real good friends in India, and I do email them sometimes, but they are far, far away now. My mom says you can never make friends if you don’t compromise, but well, fuck that.
I was chatting with a guy I became friends with in the States yesterday or something and he was asking me if I have ever been depressed. I guess he thought I’m a cool guy sort of you know, who has nothing to worry and just enjoys life. Well so I gave him a brief introduction of my life and then he stopped talking about it.
One thing I can say is that I have been trying to understand myself harder than most of the people would try to understand themselves. I know it’s pretty stupid thinking only about oneself and depressed, it’s a shame in the world that many people are suffering like hell. I always liked pondering/wondering/thinking whatever you call it since I was small (some friends in Rishi Valley used to call me “philo”), but now in this life with full of that, I realized that it’s just an insanity…
Wanted to ask you this.
Do you live to do what you want to do, or you do what you (want to) do to live?
And why?
Here’s the lyrics of the song which got me into rock music.
It’s by a band called Haven,
Let it Live.
“Can you be part of something
Without thought for self or mind
Still soul searching for the right line
Need no excuse to wander
Cos it’s more than you can take
Stay true
No one’s gonna pull you out
Let it live
Let it live
Let it breathe life today
Can you be part of something
Even though you’re still unsure
Stay true
No one’s gonna pull you out
Let it live
Let it live
Let it breathe life today”
Check the song here.
Check out my website on its way renewal too.
posted by writer at
11:28 AM
2 Comments:
Now,now come on. There's no need to be so negative. You can change what you put on your blog - you can delete whatever you already have here - it's YOURS.
I think my whole life feels as though I've been stuck in time, and then suddenly you move on at about 300mph. I guess everyone will suffer with depression at one point, just some people think much deeper than others. Other people can move on - but there are some (like myself) who yearn for a deeper understanding of the problem rather than a quick fix.
And I'm not sure I understand the question, but even if I did I think the answer would simply be; I live.
By
Ragnarok, at 1:04 AM
hey, u still alive?
the world has been turning kinda slowly in your absence...
By
Hanako, at 10:25 AM
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