How to disappear completely

Hiatus is the word for a while, ladies and gentlemen.
Really sorry but it has been too hard for me these days.
I'll try to come back soon.
Maybe tomorrow, maybe aftera year.
I just don't want to make it up and down and up-like down-like blog.
You know, I'm trying.
Thank you (1500 visits anniversary).

"Bitter Sweet Symphony - the Verve

Cause it's a bitter sweet symphony that's life
Trying to make ends meet
You're a slave to the money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to
The places where all the things meet, yeah

No change
I can change
I can change
I can change
But I'm here in my mode
I am here in my mode
But I'm a million different people from one day to the next
I can't change my mode
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
Have you ever been down?
oooh

Well I've never prayed
But tonight I'm on my knees, yeah
I need to hear some sounds that
Recognize the pain in me, yeah
I'll let the melody shine
Let it cleanse my mind I feel free now
But the airways are clean
And there's nobody singing to me now

No change
I can change
I can change
I can change
But I'm here in my mode
I am here in my mode
And I'm a million different people from one day to the next
I can't change my mode
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
Have you ever been down ?
I can change,
I can change

Cause it's a bitter sweet symphony this life
Trying to make ends meet
Trying to find somebody then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to
The places where all the things meet, yeah

You know I change
Change, I can change
I can change
I can change,
But I'm here in my mode
I am here in my mode
And I'm a million different people from one day to the next
I can't change my mode
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
I can't change my mode
No,no,no,no,no,no,no
I can't change my mode
No, no, no, no, no, no, no

We've got ya sex and violence melody and silence
We've got ya sex and violence melody and silence
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
Been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
You've ever been down
Have you ever been down ? "

Cheers, fuck Valentines!

Oh yeah
Too late but Happy Valentines Day ladies and gentlemen.
You know, I was drown in a pool of cards, gifts, chocolates, underwears, kisses just like last year and last last year and last la…

Alrite.
I know you are not expecting to read such story here, and I’m also pretty sure that you are pretty god damn sure nothing like that happened to me yesterday.
Well, Bingo, you got it right.
Actually the saddest thing was it was not even a nightmare, my valentines day.
I worked on an essay for college admission, watched NIKITA (oh, what a valentine girl…) and had chocolates and stuff that my sister brought from her school (she goes to a girl’s school and they all exchange their home made stuff on this day you know). So it was a day pretty much detached from the world’s valentine fever.

By the way do you know there’s something called white day in Japan?
I don’t think this is an original custom. I guess it was made by some god damn valentine commercialism. Well basically unlike the real one which people, both men and women, exchange gifts, here only women give gifts to men on valentines day. And on the White day, March 14th I think, men give gifts to women. So sort of obligation. Whatever, nothing to do with me this year anyway (hope my sister doesn’t ask me for a gift for her cookies…).

Hey by the way a girl I saw near my house when I was taking a walk was pretty pretty… Ah, at least I could see a woman other than my sis, mom and god damn NIKITA this day.

Push the Button

Didn’t write for quite a while.
There are too much to write now anyway.

In fact, I wanted to start writing again from beginning of this week but you know my god damn ass laziness and well, I’ll talk about it later. About last week first.

After writing the last post Let it Live, I just felt like stop writing. Well, I don’t really remember exactly why I stopped writing if you want to know the truth. But I know I did it for some purpose. I guess that was excessive time for my blog… I mean I wasn’t even sure what I was writing anymore and just wanted to force myself to leave doing blogging. I stopped msn chatting and email as well. Didn’t chat or email with people at all. Nobody wrote me either. To tell the truth, today I finally got two emails from Shannon and one from a guy I know in the United States. Emails after a long time made me little happy.

Anyway well, I guess I was getting over self conscious about this blog but after all I am this and you know, no matter you or I like it or not. I write what naturally comes out from me and this is it. Not sure why I write but I need to, and if you don’t get bored with this, you are welcome to read.

Actually I was pretty happy in the first half of last week for some reason. I found official website of Rishi Valley which I bet that it was created fairly recently. My sister is going there for a term this year and you know we talked about RV and all. Remembering the days of RV always makes me feel great even though actually not many things were great there. Hope you check the website and if you ever get a chance to visit (south) India I recommend you to visit there. It’s not a tourist area or anything, but the place is inspiring… at least to me it is. Other reasons I was happy were; heard new songs by Mars Volta and Beck. Hell yes that was fucking great. Beck’s album is going to be one of the best this year for sure. And I bought a debut album by Bloc Party. Boy, this is so good too. “This modern love” is a killer tune. And yea, I’ve been reading a lot of books, and one Novel by Japanese writer called Kazufumi Shiraishi, was just absolutely fucking mind blowing. Unfortunately I don’t think you’ll ever be able to read this one unless it gets translated, but anyway it was really great. Name of the book is “the part that hasn’t broken yet in my heart”. It’s sort of Catcher in the Rye story in a sense that the book is more about what character thinks and feels than just a story. The book is much more serious anyway. The main character has cold outlook to the world and life and is always wondering what life is. But well I guess the book gets into too philosophic side so that doesn’t appeal to many people. That’s what I liked though. Oh yea, I went to some small festival too. I mean it’s a traditional thing and I met some people out there. Of course those I haven’t met for a pretty long while. They didn’t even realize that it’s me in first look.

That was 3rd, Wednesday. Then my life goes sudden steep downhill again. That night, I was emailing with the girl I was talking about few weeks back. I had a plan to go to Tokyo next day to check some stuff in admission office of college I want to get in there, so I asked her if she’s free that evening (she lives in Tokyo). She said she is and we could meet and spend some time together. You know seemed like everything is going fine to me, but after all, late that night, she emailed me saying “really sorry but I’ve been having cold and won’t be able to meet you tomorrow”.

Fucking piece of shit.

Well, okay, yea, I don’t think she was lying, she was actually sick I guess, and how could I force her to go out? But that didn’t make me happy for sure. The thing was, she has done the same thing before. I think that was fall of 2003, when I came back from RV to Japan for a short winter break. That was just the same way. She said she could meet me first then after all ends up she saying she can’t, for some reason. I don’t know, maybe just my hard luck.

I wasn’t that upset with that anyway if you want to know the truth. But what irritated me was I went to Tokyo and my job was done in 15 minutes. C’mon man, going to Tokyo should be little bit more ah, something. That was no fun at all. Went to HMV to kill some time but didn’t feel great so after all just went back home without doing nothing. Pathetic, really. So then I was feeling pretty frustrated and lonely and fucked again at home. Spent time doing not much thing and finally Sunday night some serious chat with my parents cheered me up. I guess they were little worried about me. And can you guess what my mom said? She said she can understand what its like to be at home all the time without interaction with other people, so she would allow me to watch one movie everyday if that keeps me fine. And what made me happy more than anything was she didn’t mention a word about entrance for college. Because most of the time when we chat seriously she gives me some shits about entrance for college and that irritates me like hell. And also I knew it’s true she understands me because she herself has been away alone from her own country for a long time. She’s a house wife here and she hardly goes out so actually she’s the one who has been really suffering.

So from Monday, I finally started waking up right in time (well, that’s still around seven) and doing yoga (had stopped doing it in NC cos it was too cold…). The week was going okay, but then I again got stuck with forever-wonder what life is question…

Today ends in next five minutes.
Well, today was Japan’s national foundation holiday (holiday doesn’t mean much to me though). And today’s exactly one month from the day I came back to Japan.
Just remembered it.
Well, I will read these lines tomorrow and check mistakes then will post it.