Three things made me depressed yesterday

I know my blog gets quite depressing sometimes
but I hope you have patience to read this one.

1) You know that I was sick yesterday. I had a slight fever, which wasn’t a big deal, but I had a sore throat and nose block as well and those were bad.

2) I don’t really like bringing up a topic what’s happening in my family here but yesterday was too much. I had an argument with my mom on the night I came back home. It was on “to believe or not to believe” sort of thing, and after the argument I knew I said too much. I mean my mom was waiting for me to come back for three months and all and I realized it was a mistake to start such a thing on the come back home night. Well, my mom and I argue a lot. But its (little) more like debate most of the time and it’s on something specific most of the time. Anyway so I tried to stay calm after that, I said sorry to her and all… You know, this isn’t an unusual thing in my family anyway. Well, so yesterday. After dinner, we started discussing about my entrance for college. Since I don’t go to school, I need to make special strategy and it was about it. My dad teaches in university so he knows quite well about this sort of thing. Anyway my mom started blaming me that after all I’m just too lazy and don’t work and brabrabra… I stayed calm. Because I didn’t want to upset her like last time. I just listened to her and didn’t really argue. But then… she didn’t stop. She kept on going and was saying the same thing that I don’t work and the problem was she was just interrupting the discussion and it was getting rather disturbing. Then I blasted. I couldn’t take that anymore. But you know, she isn’t kind of a person who stops just because someone gets blasted. And well, you know me blasting at her is also not really unusual in my family…

3) This is a long story. But I’m going to make it as short as possible. When I was in Nepal in the end of 2000, I met one girl and one boy. They were both Japanese. We met in an exhibition of Kids’ Guernica. The girl was two years older than me; the boy was a year older than me. We couldn’t spend much time together, but we became good friends. After we went back to Japan, we started writing to each other. And also met once again in summer of 2001. Then I knew I liked that girl. I guess that was the first time I “really” liked someone. I wrote her that I’m falling in love with her but she told me she wants me as a friend. But well she was matured than me and all anyway, and I knew she’s gonna say that so that was all right. Then we tried to be good friends again. I don’t know if that really worked. I really don’t know. I felt like she’s avoiding me, and maybe she was maybe she wasn’t. Yet we stayed friend. Then when I came back from India last year March, I emailed her after a long while. But then her replies were like you know, “I don’t give a damn” sort of… I mean not that she said that, but it seemed like she doesn’t really care about me as a friend either anymore. So I just stopped emailing her. Ten months have passed. She wrote me a letter once but I didn’t write back. I didn’t even tell her I passed the university entrance qualification examination, didn’t tell her I’m going to US. But I was still friend with the other one, the boy. And those two are doing fine so he told me to email her. And I knew I need to do it at some point. So I did. Her replies were nice, still friendly and all, but I went sharp, rather harsh and said we need to talk seriously because our friendship isn’t really meaning anything anymore. That was Saturday and yesterday, I got a reply saying;

“Dear Yuwa
Email from you was very rough and I am really offended. I think way of saying itself changes what it means. I think letters are better to describe the feeling. Why don’t you write a letter?”



Blame me.